How to return a gift in 33 easy steps

Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas this year? HAHAHAHAHAH of course you didn’t, you clearly wound up with a hacked-together collection of depressing mugs, ill-fitting polos and at least one item that made your 6-year-old say, “I definitely didn’t want that,” erm, hypothetically, little punk, sorry Santa tried to make you READ AN AWESOME BOOK ABOUT VOLCANOES, jeez. Anyway, since this pile of rejected sadness represents free money, and since you won’t be seeing any tax cut money unless you already own an object that can travel to space, it’s time to warm up the Odyssey, venture out into the Hoth-like conditions, abandon your empathetic nervous system and return some presents. Here’s how: