The Loop

Arby's is giving away actual "Meat Sweats" and Mike Golic Jr. is obviously the first recipient

December 20, 2017

I don't why the world has to be like this, but it is. In a year defined by pervasive sadness, simmering mortal terror, and fast food brands with big, creative marketing budgets, sliced beef merchants Arby's have saved the most blatant sign of the coming apocalypse—actual, limited-edition "Meat Sweats"—for last and drafted post-civilization meat-man Mike Golic Jr. as their spokesman/model/Meat-Sweat-beta-tester. If you've ever wondered what staring into the void would be like, well, step up to the rim and take a gander:

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According to Arby's, each pair of set of Meat Sweats boasts bacon-patterned warming pockets, a vented hood for temperature control, and an adjustable waistline “for post-meal comfort,” so you can rest easy when your last usable artery collapses like a dying star. But since not everyone can survive the power surge that comes with slipping into a pair of Arby's Meat Sweats, there is a bit of a catch: Arby's is not selling these tributes to grilled flesh and high fashion to just anyone. No, no. Instead, they are bestowing on them on the select few—those who prove themselves worthy of bearing both the blessing and the burden by posting their meat-related triumphs on social media with the hashtag #MeatSweats.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, Mike Golic Jr. is the first such warrior. Frodo Baggins for the Arby's age. Wanderer of the brisket-y dystopia of tomorrow, where all that separates civilized man and roving cannibal horde is a big red hat glowing on the horizon.