Last year, immediately following the Patriots loss in Super Bowl LII, Rob Gronkowski told reporters “I’m definitely gonna look at my future, for sure. I’ll sit down in the next couple of weeks and see where I’m at.” Days later, Bill Burt of the Eagle-Tribune published a report alleging that if Gronk does retire, it will be to pursue a full-time acting career—using his numerous hosting roles, stand-up specials, WrestleMania cameos, and Tide Pod-devouring commercial gigs as a springboard to Hollywood stardom.
On Sunday, that day finally came, with the 29-year-old Patriots tight end officially putting himself out to pasture. Where or not he follows in the goliath footsteps of friend and former-linebacker-turned-helicopter-punching-muscle-ball Dwayne Johnson remains to be seen, of course, but if he does, we have some script ideas that are sure to help Gronk turn Tinseltown upside down. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have Mr. Pitt holding on the other line.
The Wrestler 2: Life Through Tables
Role: Randy “The Ram” Robinson’s long-lost little brother, Robby.
Elevator Pitch: Gronk become big star. Gronk get sad. Gronk meet stripper. Gronk get less sad.
Elevator Pitch: A remake of the 1978 frat-house classic in which Gronk—inspired by seminal films like Big Mama’s House and Nutty Professor II: The Klumps—takes on the roles of Pinto, Flounder, D-Day, Otter, and Boon AT THE SAME TIME. Backup Pitch: One-man Off-Broadway show where Gronk, inspired by seminal films like...
Role: CGI Gronk
Elevator Pitch: Gronk teams up with Disney-Pixar for the climatic final chapter in the Finding Nemo/Dory saga, chronicling the time he got lost in the Boston Aquarium for three days. Ellen Degeneres voices Tom Brady.
The Passion of the Gronk
Role: Gronkus Christ
Elevator Pitch: An erotic retelling of The Passion of the Christ.
The Patriot 2049
Role: Paul Revere XVII
Elevator Pitch: In a not so distant future, Great Britain—now ruled by Margaret Thatcher’s tyrannical cyborg corpse—has reclaimed the United States and only man can stop them: Gronk. The spiritual sequel to Mel Gibson’s bloody historical drama, The Patriot, this dystopian thriller chronicles Gronk’s harrowing and heroic attempt to chalk up one last W for the Pats.
Sausage Party 2
Role: Umm, a sausage? Sorry, didn’t see the first one.
Elevator Pitch: A movie about Gronk as a talking sausage. Shouldn’t be too much of a reach.
Turner & Hooch 2
Elevator Pitch: Hooch comes from back the dead as a dog trapped in a detective’s body. Hilarity (and lots of ill-timed slobbering) ensues.
Jurassic World: Bloodcano
Elevator Pitch: All is quiet but for the squeak of the Jeep’s windshield wipers, beating back and forth against the spring rain. Somewhere in the darkness, there’s a tremor. Then a rustle in the canopy. Suddenly a toothy grin parts the forest like a curtain—the full, horrifying form of Gronk-rex slithering forth, glimmering in the moonlight. “Keep absolutely still” the Costco version of Jeff Goldblum says to a pair of stricken children beside him, “it’s vision is based on movement.” Then a volcano explodes and instead of lava it’s actually blood. End scene.
Gronk: A Christmas Carol
Role: Ebeneezer Gronk