Speed Kills
August 07, 2020

42-year-old Chad Johnson hitting 25 mph on the treadmill is an equation that shouldn’t add up

The last time Chad Johnson was a content factory like this, he was draped in faux gold jackets proposing to cheerleaders back when the President was a still a reality TV jackass. In recent months, the Artist Formerly Known as Ochocinco has been on a roll, trying out to be an XFL kicker, overtipping at local restaurants struggling due to the coronavirus, and even claiming that he used to take Viagra before every NFL game. It’s been a veritable Chad-johnaissance in 2020, and if these latest videos are as real as they appear to be, it shows no signs of, ahem, slowing down.

That’s a 42-year-old Johnson allegedly hitting 25 mph on the treadmill, which is just as mathematically incompatible as it sounds. And if you’re skeptical, as you should be all things on the internet, not just those that come out of Ochocinco’s mouth, here’s the full-speed version for your consumption. As you’ll see, he even OUTRUNS the treadmill for a second before readjusting.

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A few weeks ago, Johnson posted videos of him and fellow uber-diva wide receiver Terrell Owens racing current NFL speed king Tyreek Hill. Despite solid showings from the 40+ crew, “Cheetah,” as Hill is known for obvious reasons, wiped the turf with them. But now we’re not so sure. Johnson has upped his treadmill 5 mph in a matter of weeks and seems to have a few clicks left in the tank. From an acceleration standpoint, Hill is still going to smoke him, but a top-speed drag race has to be really, REALLY close.

Come on, guys. Give the people what they want.