Tiger Woods lets us down, San Antonio's sneaky good field and the mystery of J.J. Spaun: 10 Things for the Valero Texas Open

Golfpocalypse is a collection of words that runs prior to each week's PGA Tour event, mostly ABOUT that event. Reach out with your hottest takes on absolutely anything at shane.spr8@gmail.com. We'll publish the best emails here.

You know how the PGA Championship used to have the tagline "Glory's Last Shot?" It was perfect. Now that it's in May, I don't they have even have a tagline (maybe they can try, "Does anyone want to be U.S. Ryder Cup captain? Anyone?"), so let's repurpose it get some buzz going behind this week's Texas Open. For a good chunk of the field, this is the last chance to make the Masters, and the only way to do it now is by winning outright. Also, Augusta should call this the "Lone Star Exemption." With just a little smart branding, we can make this tournament POP, baby!

1. Rogue Golf Thought: There's actually not much to say about Tiger that isn't depressing

Ever since Tiger rolled his car, I've been trying to extract some kind of meaning from it, which I think is a very human thing to do. We want some depth to this, but to be honest I've got nothing other than three very banal conclusions. One, the whole thing is sad, and he seems to be on a terrible life trajectory. Two, pretty much every redemptive narrative we've crafted for him—and here I mean the media, fans, and probably people in his own life—now feels like bullshit. And three, more practically, he obviously shouldn't be driving a car anymore because he might kill himself or someone else. But sometimes we're left with nothing more than the dismal truth, and this story just doesn't lend itself to even the slightest hopeful twist. Which is why, I think, so many people have looked so stupid commenting on it; we're basically at a loss.

2. I always forget how decent this field is

There are greater than zero appealing players who want a good tune-up for the Masters, and year after year, they find their to San Antonio to get a little taste of that tournament action. Here we've got a couple top-ten OWGR guys in Tommy Fleetwood in Russell Henley, and some other heavy-hitting names like Ludvig Aberg, Bobby MacIntyre, and Hideki Matsuyama, then a slew of second tier guys you wouldn't kick off your television (Sepp Straka, Marco Penge, Rickie Fowler, dare I say MIchael Thorbjornsen?). And lest we forget, it's the return of...

3. The Jordan Spieth Sadness Index (JSSI)

Yes, Jordan's back! He didn't play in Houston, and the last time we saw him, the scale had risen to a 7.1 because he kept blowing up on the closing holes at the Valspar. Now, though, a week has passed, and if there's one thing we here in Spieth-land excel at, it's forgetting our heartaches and letting the toxic optimism creep back in. With that in mind, I'm down-shifting us to a 5.9. Still sad, but unable to resist the two thoughts that 1. He's in his home state this week at a course where he's won before, and 2. He's back to his favorite course next week with a small field. Things are looking up! Hell, if he's leading on Sunday at Augusta, I can talk myself into a world where he only hits one ball into the water on 12!

[Someone throws a bucket of cold water on me.]

Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

4. TPC San Antonio is the Tour's foremost "in like a lion, out like a lamb" course

This course had four holes in the top 59 of the most difficult holes from the 2025 season, and those holes are 1, 2, 4, and 9. Now, that was partly because it was windy as hell last year, and you can see the effects of that in Brian Harman's winning score of 9 under, 11 shots worse than Akshay a year before. Conversely, though, 17 and 18 were still pretty easy, which is sort of the inverse of the courses with novelty named hole stretches on the back nine (Snake Pit, Bear Trap, etc). That creates some fun where you have to keep scoring late on Sunday to win. It's also one of the top anti-bomber courses on tour, which is why you can get winners like Harman, Kevin Chappell and J.J. Spaun. It's a likable place!

5. Hot take: If you win an event, you should have to play there for five years minimum

Assuming you're healthy, of course. But no Conners or Akshay this year? Especially Conners, who has won twice since 2019? Get out of here with that! I mean, these are literally Conners' only two PGA Tour wins. Where's the gratitude??? Ban this man from the tour, Mr. Rolapp. Ban him from Augusta, Mr. Ridley. Ban him from Carney, Mark Carney.

6. Ranking the sponsor's exemption

Aging - Camilo Villegas - 44, best finish this year T-49 on the KFT, but his story is so moving that I always root for him
Old — Brandt Snedeker — He got on at the Valspar too, and was actually great. But is he riding this Presidents Cup captain thing to free entries? 45 years old.
Older — Jimmy Walker — Winner here a decade ago, but now 47 and 0-10 in cuts this year.
Oldest — Ryan Palmer —Hasn't won here, 0-3 in made cuts this year, 49.

Big week for old guy charity! I respect it.

7. Golf Tweet of the Week: Only these guys can win the Masters

This is just great research from Kyle Porter:

We talked about this on the Normal Sport podcast (not yet released), but Kyle has me fully convinced that only these guys can do it. I tried to argue that we might be due for an anomalous result, but his stats were so convincing that I retreated with my tail between my legs.

8. What became of J.J. Spaun?

He was so on fire last year! And it seemed like he had figured so much out about both himself and his game. I know it's not that surprising to see a guy go on a heater and then fade, especially after winning an unexpected major, but I truly thought his game was sustainable. He was even good in the Ryder Cup, picking up two wins. To go from that to four missed cuts in seven events is pretty shocking, but I'm holding out hope that he can start reversing the tide in Texas, where he won in 2022. It was fun to have him in the mix last year—he doesn't talk, act or even think like most other American pros—and despite his still relatively low profile, we need guys like him to spice up this place.

9. One Normie Pick, One Weird Pick

This is only his third time here, but after a fourth place finish last year, I'm taking Russell Henley. The course just fits him too well. For my weird pick, I'm going really weird—Matt Kuchar. I have no justification for this. I just feel it.

10. Rogue Non-Golf Thought: If you flash your lights at me in the left lane on the highway, I'm not moving out of your way

This may be unpopular, but I have to say it after logging a lot night driving in the last couple months. First, I drive sorta fast but not crazy fast—my dad has convinced me that if you're 10 mph or less over the speed limit, you're not getting stopped—so I usually find myself in the left lane on the highway, but not going fast enough to keep other cars from rolling up on me. I'm very conscientious about getting out of the way when someone faster than me comes up from behind, and I expect the same in turn. HOWEVER. If some car comes out of nowhere and flashes its lights at me, as in, "get the hell out of my way," there is absolutely no way I'm complying.

Keep in mind this is not after they've been following me for a long time—that would be my fault—but just as they arrive. It's totally arrogant, aggressive behavior, and I'll activate my stubborn switch in a heartbeat and refuse to switch lanes. I just can't allow them to get their way. If I'm feeling really chippy, I'll put on my blinker and just stay in the lane, or I'll do that for a while and then shift extremely slowly into the center lane while, I hope, they are screaming at me in their car. Am I right to do this? Who's to say. But I feel it's my way of bringing some justice to the highway chuds, and I'll never stop.