Too Soon?

11-year-old verbally commits to play college softball, which is not what most 11-year-olds commit to

May 3, 2018
RBFriedA girl hitting a softball

If you're intrigued by the idea of large Division 1 colleges recruiting an 11-year-old child, hopefully it's because you find the notion profoundly insane.

But it's true! A Florida softball prodigy named Alexia Carrasquillo verbally committed to play softball for the Florida Gators one day before her 12th birthday. If you’re one of those piteous clowns who goes to school for learning, that means she was 11. It also means she’s the youngest human to commit to the NCAA in any sport. Normally we wouldn’t have to specifically reinforce that fact, but this is still America.

Insane, right? Ha ha not even in the slightest! According to the Tampa Bay Times, “It has become common for softball players to declare their college intentions when they are in middle school,” because old men running colleges pressure them to. By contrast, here is a comprehensive list of things I was prepared to declare in middle school:

Important Things Which I Was Prepared to Verbally Declare in Middle School

  1. I f**king hate this place.

  2. I hate the teachers. I hate my locker. I hate my parents. I hate that guy Kris Russell. I hate the gym. I hate it all.

  3. That’s not true. I do not hate lunch. The pizza boats are really good.

  4. I declare that someone needs to teach me how to peg my jeans.

  5. I declare that for a junior high school, there is an awful lot of chewing tobacco in here.

  6. I also declare that for 75% of class time, no one has any idea where the gym teacher is.

  7. Seriously, is he in his office? Why does the gym teacher need an office? He needs, like, three basketballs and some jump ropes and blocks for the shuttle run.

  8. I f**king hate the shuttle run.

  9. I declare that running a mile in gym is HARD if you haven’t trained and just ate like two pizza boats.

  10. I declare that I would like all weird old recruiting men lurking around softball fields trying to somehow get paid by watching sixth-graders play kids’ game fall into a roaring hole that leads to the Earth’s core.

  11. I declare that as an 11-year-old, I have no idea what I’m going to do, what I’m good at, what I love, what I fear, how to best suit my talents to an industry, how to decide if what I like now is what I’ll like in 10 years. I declare that I am not going to declare my college for about five years, and that I’d really like to get back to lunch.