You're Fired!

The worst hires in human history, as inspired by Phil Jackson

June 28, 2017
Phil Jackson
Tim Clayton - Corbis

As news broke Wednesday morning that NBA coaching legend and front-office dumpster fire Phil Jackson had parted professional ways with the New York Knicks, the sports world went up like Charles Oakley’s courtside seat strapped to a giant cartoon firework. The prevailing feeling? F—king finally. After years of brain-numbing personnel decisions, superstar beefs, and an almost impressive level of disinterest, the nightmare was finally over.

As long as James Dolan remains in charge, Phil’s replacement is sure to be yet another gravy-train-glugging abomination, of course, but take heart Knicks fans—you aren’t the only ones to suffer through a bad hire (or two, as you’ll see). In fact the world is chock full ‘em, from the NFL sidelines to the dude one cubicle over currently watching The Return of the King director’s cut on YouTube. So update that resume, delete all those Linkedin messages from people you don’t know congratulating work anniversaries for jobs you no longer have, and join us as we count down the 10 worst hires of all time. Where there’s a fire, there’s a hire, after all, and you just might be next in line for the job.

ISIAH THOMAS

New York Daily News Archive

Position: President of Basketball Operations, New York Knicks (sensing a theme here)

Failures: $10 million sexual harassment scandal, traded LaMarcus Aldridge and Joakim Noah lottery picks for Eddie Curry, friends with James Dolan

DENNIS MILLER

Position: Comic commentator, Monday Night Football

Failures: Concept, execution, didn’t take Dan Fouts’ career down with him

GEORGE COSTANZA

Position: Assistant to the traveling secretary, New York Yankees

Failures: Caught sleeping under his desk, dragged Commissioner’s Trophy through parking lot, the cotton uniform fiasco

RACHEL DOLEZAL

Position: Branch president, NAACP

Failures: Said she was black, isn’t actually black

MATT MILLEN

The Sporting News

Position: General manager, Detroit Lions

Failures: .270 winning percentage, worst eight-year record in NFL history, first 0-16 season in NFL history

KEVIN COSTNER

Sunset Boulevard

Position: Robin Hood, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves

Failures: The hair, the accent, spawned the career of Carey Elwes like some mutant creature from a toxic bad-acting spill

LANE KIFFIN

Kevin C. Cox

Position: Head coach, like a million places

Failures: Punchable face, called a “disgrace” and “a flat-out liar” by Al Davis (and if Al Davis calls you a liar, you know you have some problems, man)

SAMMY HAGAR

Michael Ochs Archives

Position: Lead singer, Van Halen

Failures: Not David Lee Roth, looks like Guy Fieri, sounds like Guy Fieri

BRUTUS

DEA / G. NIMATALLAH

Position: Senator, Roman Republic

Failures: Assassinated his boss

SHAQ

Position: Genie, Kazaam

Failures: No actual magic powers, no actual acting skills


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