Taking Care of Bizness

The ‘office’ is a thing of the doomed millennial past, say millennials

June 7, 2017
Bill Lumbergh

The communal, forward-thinking, collaboration-focused, millennial-centric “open floor plan” is a thing of the past, according to some elitist business-news startup called the Wall Street Journal. “Many studies show how open-plan office spaces can have negative effects on employees and productivity,” says this “news-paper,” going on to say that companies are adding soundproof rooms, quiet zones, reading nooks, floor pillows and nap corners, and it turns out we actually only made up the last three of those.   Being progressive and reasonably young-ish, we here at The Loop work in everything: traditional offices, snappy cubicles, expansive open spaces, coffee shops, clubhouses and, in one case, a on a porch chair in a backyard in Indiana, because it’s 2017, even here in Indiana, and with each passing month the idea of a “traditional workspace” gets more garbled. As such, we’ve assembled this helpful guide to help you determine where you should probably be working:

Old-School Offices

Great For: Traditionalists; privacy; what history textbooks used to call “concentration”; baller copy machines; all the water you can drink; people who thrive in fluorescent tube lighting; your dad.

Downsides: People can pretty easily tell when you’re not there; the thrill of the copy machine kind of wears off after the first few weeks; co-workers who get all mad when you bring in Indian curry dishes and feast at your desk; pretty much all of the other people; when it’s someone’s turn to replace the water cooler and they’re obviously not doing it, JAN.

Open Floor Plans

Great For: Collaboration, chatting and human contact; those who enjoy indirect sunlight; people who can work with others and not instantly despise them.

Downsides: Decent chance of sitting next to guy who bikes sweatily to work every morning; sight lines make it much harder to study up on your animal GIFs; much harder to stay out of the Secret Santa.

Co-Working Spaces

Great For: The soothing, low-lev

el hum of human productivity; those who enjoy conversations with random weird strangers; anyone with buckets of extra money.

Downsides: All the things you hate about working with people, except they’re now with strangers; it’s basically a coffee shop without the coffee and it costs hundreds of inexplicable dollars; everyone thinks you’re a hipster and they’re correct.

Neighborhood Coffeeshops

Great For: All the Dave Brubeck you could hope to hear; ideas for your fourth, fifth and sixth tattoos; thoughtfully nodding at everyone else in there scraping out a freelance living yet spending hundreds on a drink they can brew at home for about $9/month.

Downsides: Everyone else is there; sometimes they don’t have the salted caramel mochas; all the high schoolers who come pouring in at 3 p.m.; sometimes you tire of Brubeck and want to hear some Chet Baker, dammit.

The Library

Great For: Concentration; enforced silence; lots of adorable old people; periodicals for days; if you need to decompress, they have about 50 Garfield anthologies.

Downsides: I’m breaking character but there’s a guy in here right now who has made, I’m not kidding, six phone calls. SIX. In a LIBRARY. There is one rule in here, hoss, and you learned it in third grade. Also, there might be homeless people sleeping in the bathroom.

Your House

Great For: Starting work at approximately 3 p.m.; ability to work in boxer shorts; not having to share WiFi with whoever’s downloading all the porn; writing off a room full of books, ‘90s-era music posters and overflowing storage tubs as your “home office”; all the laundry you can knock off during conference calls.

Downsides: When neighbors walk by and clearly see you working in boxer shorts.


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