AUGUSTA, Ga. — Moving day at the Masters prompted us to get out of our chair in the brand-obscenely-spanking-new press palace at Augusta National Golf Club and mingle with golf’s most knowledgeable fans.
Herewith is the evidence of their acumen, collected as we strolled the sacred grounds on a gloriously sunny Saturday afternoon.
Names have been withheld to protect the innocent. Also because we didn’t dare let on that we were eavesdropping:
AVERAGE JOE ALERT
“See [Brandt] Snedeker drinking water there [at the 12th tee]. I’d be on my fourth or fifth beer by now.”
MATH IS HARD
“Wow, Jason Day just made a 5, 4, 3 and a 2 all in a row.”
“No, that’s his total score.”
“So he’s 2 under now.”
No, that’s a green 2. See all those red numbers … they’re under par.” DON’T KNOCK JEFF KNOX
Marker Jeff Knox and his caddie walk off the 18th tee. The caddie is carrying Knox’s well-worn green stand bag …
“Wow, look at that faded bag. Shouldn’t a pro have a nicer bag than that?
“That’s the marker. And he once beat Rory McIlroy. All he does is paint fairways and greens.”
MR. PRACTICAL
Guy walking on the painted green line in the crosswalk at No. 9: “Look, the only way I’m going to be able to walk straight is with this line.”
AT THIS POINT, BEST TO JUST WALK AWAY
Woman to her husband: “What happens when they hit it in the white stuff?”
HE WAS ONLY OFF BY NINE SHOTS
Phil Mickelson birdies the first hole. …
“Here we go, 65! He’s going to light it up today.”
Mickelson shoots 74.
TOTAL DELUSION
“You know, my swing looks a lot like Fred Couples’.”
THE WINNING FORMULA
“Rickie Fowler, he’s the one with the mullet.”
“No, he got rid of the mullet. And now he’s leading the Masters. I think there’s a correlation.”
AND HE WALKED FIVE MILES TO SCHOOL IN THE SNOW
Adult to a kid: “When I was your age, I played golf with a set of my grandmother’s clubs. Used them for five or six years. You learn to play shots with that equipment.”
TELL US HOW YOU REALLY FEEL
“People who wear their country’s flags on a golf course make me want to vomit.”
TRUE GOLFER
Watching 1987 Masters champion Larry Mize hit his approach at 14:
“Look at that tempo. I hate him.”
APPARENTLY, CHUCK ISN’T BUYING
“Are we getting beers? Did Chuck go get the beers.”
“You kidding? You know Chuck. He’s frugal.”
“Frugal my a--. Someone just say it: Chuck is cheap.”
CAN’T TELL THE PLAYERS WITHOUT A PROGRAM
William McGirt sticks an approach at the par-4 third hole:
“Nice shot Jason!”
“Who is that?”
“It’s Jason Dufner.”
THE SPIRIT OF YOGI BERRA WAS HERE
One man to another as they try to navigate the large crowd following Mickelson and Jordan Spieth: “By the time we get to where they are, they’ll be gone.”