Plastic Manhood

New Ken Doll line teaches kids it’s OK to be whoever you want as long as you live in Brooklyn

June 21, 2017
Ken Doll tout

On Tuesday morning, Mattel—the global toy cartel behind Hot Wheels, Uno, and, of course, Barbie—took to Good Morning America’s Pier 1-furnished stronghold of investigative journalism to announce their new 15-Ken line of diversity-embracing Ken dolls. Featuring black Kens and white Kens, brunette Kens and blonde Kens—even some Kens who like their sweets a little more than other Kens who prefer to wear their hair in buns—the intent was as clear as it was noble: To teach young boys there’s more than one way to be a Ken, no matter what the guys who post pictures of themselves with dead herbivores on Facebook might shout after a day of drinking in the nearest AutoZone parking lot. So in order to celebrate Mattel’s molded plastic beacons of individuality(!), turn up the Lady Gaga (“Born This Way”, obvi) and join us as we introduce you to all 15 of these totally unique, exhaustively representative, one-of-a-kind Kens who are so damn "different" they might actually be the same.

CAMO COMEBACK KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn

Interests: Twitter, thrifting, waiting on the Supreme line

Dream Job: Influencer

"BROAD" MANBUN KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn

Interests: Also Twitter, fidget spinners, food trucks

Dream Job: Barista

“SLIM" MANBUN KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn

Interests: Twitter again, fidget spinners, Instagramming food trucks

Dream Job: Yoga instructor

CHILL IN CHECK KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn

Interests: Twitter too, Weezer, PBRs

Dream Job: DIY venue promoter

CLASSIC COOL KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn

Interests: Print quarterlies (Twitter is sooo tacky), messenger bags, mixology

Dream Job: Content Coordinator

HYPED ON STRIPES KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn

Interests: Live tweeting Game of Thrones spoilers, selfies with bae, pretending to “get” Kendrick Lamar

Dream Job: Telling dad what "PR" stands for every Thanksgiving from now until holidays are banned under Donald Law.

PLAID ON POINT KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn

Interests: Subtweeting, biking once a year, politics (as of November 9th, 2016)

Dream Job: Dog Instagram social media manager

SUPER STRIPES KEN

Lives In: Are we really still doing this?

Interests: Thread tweeting, indie comics, stripes

Dream Job: Graphic designer

PREPPY CHECK KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn, but not the scary parts

Interests: J. Crew, avocado toast, “The Journal”

Dream Job: Starting his own VC with his dad's C.

CALI COOL KEN

Lives In: Silverlake (the Brooklyn of LA)

Interests: Snapchat (but he’s thinking about deleting it, because Instagram Stories), celebrity sightings, surfing (but not actually surfing, because sharks)

Dream Job: Acting, writing his own screenplay, taking things as they come

TROPICAL VIBES KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn during the summer, Tulum during the winter

Interests: Posting travel photos with no fewer than seven hashtags, Explaining Airbnb to anyone over 40, Repeatedly playing the one Jack Johnson song he knows on guitar until the downstairs neighbors walk off the balcony

Dream Job: Citizen of the world

BLACK & WHITE ORIGINAL KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn, though he likes Austin a lot too

Interests: The word “basic”, cat videos, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dream Job: Anything that doesn't get in the way of brunch

STYLIN' STRIPES KEN

Lives In: Brooklyn, but is moving to Silicon Valley if he doesn't land a job at Google soon

Interests: Panels, TED talks, chuckling knowingly at the tech jargon on Silicon Valley

Dream Job: Rockstar coder

HIP HOODIE KEN

Lives In: The gym (don’t worry, it's in Brooklyn)

Interests: Leg days, protein, swiping right

Dream Job: Being really, really ridiculously good looking

[Ed. note: The author lives in Brooklyn]


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