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How to keep your Dad Bod in tip-top shape this summer

July 5, 2017
Man Jumping into Pool
Patrik Giardino

That visible blob around your midsection isn’t going to keep itself there all summer, dads of America. Here are a few tips for making sure you reach the end of summer without succumbing to any of that exercise you planned at the beginning of it:

• Black coffee contains zero calories, so limit yourself to syrupy beverages. You may be tempted to at least add sugar to your black coffee, but that only gets your hafway there. Make sure to order only drinks that feature caramelly drizzles or, if possible, come topped with burst of whipped cream the size of a hockey puck.

• Trainers recommend getting 10,000 steps every day. But have you ever sat down and counted 10,000 steps? Probably not, because you don’t sit down anymore, because the obnoxious droid on your wrist keeps telling you to make your heart work. Address this by setting achieveable goals: Start at 5,000 steps, and if that seems excessive, and it might, drop it to about a manageable 250.

• You can subconsciously manage portion sizes by using small plates. But then you end up with like three plates in front of you. Just mountain everything onto one plate, it’s more considerate to the others around you.

• Swimming is fantastic cardio. But going to the pool will only remind you that most other men are ripped, jacked and/or swole, and probably able to drive past a Taco Bell at 10:45 p.m. without deciding they need a chalupa. Plus, pools make your eyes burn. Just stay inside.

• Butter streusel coffee cakes.

• Start each morning with an ice-cold Coke. Sure, coffee is a more traditional means of giving yourself that caffeine kick, but Coke is basically eating 25 sugar packets, which will buzz you enough to return up to a half-dozen emails before falling asleep in a 10:30 meeting.

• Remember: Running is dumb. Seriously, there are lots of ways to exercise, and some of them will make it so your knees still work at age 45.

• Mowing the lawn burns several hundred calories, especially if you eschew the auto-drive function and push it yourself. For this reason, make your children do it.

• You’re gonna hear a lot of talk about how people aren’t supposed to eat pizza rolls for breakfast, but you just calm down, Michelle Obama.

• Parking at the farthest spot from the door lets you sneak in some extra steps and get a little extra cardio. But it makes carrying groceries back a bitch, especially if you picked up a couple gallons of milk, so park close, preferably in the handicapped spot if no one is looking.

• Standing desks can help you burn a few extra calories. But they look ridiculous, and then everyone in the office is gonna think you’re a weirdo.

• End each night with an ice-cold Fanta. You’ve earned it.