The Loop
Every athlete statement, helpfully translated into English
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There is no icier place on earth than the media center after a bad bad loss, no more reliable place to find an awkwardly mumbled gumbo of terrible questions, mumbled clichés, obvious questions and boilerplate answers, all of which are lies designed to get the player/coach/associate off the mic and back to the locker room/bar as quickly as possible. We listened to a number of press conferences to determine what athletes really mean when they say words:
“I’m really proud of our guys.” WE LOST
“They played their hearts out tonight.” WE LOST BAD
“We fought up until the very end.” MATHEMATICALLY SPEAKING THIS WAS OVER IN THE THIRD QUARTER
“We executed well today.” WE EXECUTED BADLY
“We almost got it done today.” THIS BULLSHIT WAS OVER SIX MINUTES BEFORE YOU GOT YOUR SECOND $12 COORS LIGHT
“I’m not sure what happened out there.” I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE
“Thanks to everyone on my crew for all the hard work.” WHOEVER THEY ARE
“Congratulations to the champions, I’m very happy for you guys.” FOUR YEARS AGO, WE’D HAVE EATEN YOU FOR SUNDAY BRUNCH
“He really battled out there. I wish every player had his heart.” DO YOU REMEMBER THAT KID IN LITTLE LEAGUE WHO BATTED 10TH BUT WAS SUPER-SUPPORTIVE AND HIS MOM BROUGHT ALL THE GOOD SNACKS? YEAH
“Today was up and down.” MOSTLY DOWN
“We had a couple tough breaks.” I WILL SPEND THE NEXT THREE WEEKS PROVING THE OFFICIALS ARE ON THE PAYROLL OF THE KREMLIN
“We’ll be back here next year.” I PRAY NIGHTLY FOR A SINKHOLE TO DRAG THIS ENTIRE HELLHOLE INTO THE MANTLE
“I’d like to thank all of you for the support and well-wishes about my surgery.” WHICH IS WHY I HAVE BEEN RECENTLY BAD
“We’re really close to putting all the pieces together.” IF YOU ARE OVER 34, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN TRADED
“I want to say great job to my team, they really gave their all today.” SEVEN OF THEM WILL BE FIRED BY NIGHTFALL
“I take my hat off to those guys, they played well tonight.” THIS IS THE MOST BASIC POSSIBLE SENTIMENT A HUMAN CAN DELIVER TO A TEAM THAT HAS DEFEATED HIM
“We just have to take it day-by-day.” JUST IN CASE ANYONE THOUGHT WE WERE PLANNING HIT-AND-RUNS FOR MID-AUGUST
“We weren’t as competitive as we wanted.” AFTER THE FIRST QUARTER, WE WERE BASICALLY SNACKING AND TWEETING
“It was a great experience.” IN THE WAY THAT SEEING YOUR LIVE EMOTIONAL PAIN TURNED INTO AN IDIOTIC GIF IS AN ‘EXPERIENCE’
“We’ve just got to put our heads down and play again tomorrow.” SOMEHOW WE’LL HAVE TO DIG DEEP AND CONTINUE TO PLAY A CHILDREN’S GAME FOR TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS A DAY