Naked Lunch

ESPN's 'Body Issue' is back to make you feel terrible about your body

June 26, 2017

The 'Body Issue'—ESPN the Magazine's annual answer to SI's Swimsuit spectacle (minus the swimsuits and about 93% of the overall sex appeal)—is officially back and buffer than ever. And in case you were wondering, yep it's still going to make you feel like Orson Welles on a late-career bread bender. To wit:

With miles of baby oiled lats to ogle and not a single fiber of pesky cotton in sight, this year's celebration of sentient Greek sculptures includes the likes of Ezekiel Elliot (above), Isaiah Thomas, Caroline Wozniacki, and more. Check out the full list below and then do 20 push ups, cry a for bit, and do another rep to failure.

In the end, there isn't too much—beyond more self-loathing, of course—to glean from this lineup. Per standard 'Body Issue' operating procedure, there will be more massive hormone-injected thighs on offer than at the local KFC, but water is wet (just ask Zeke). One interesting thing to note, however, seems to be an uptick in hockey participants—Brent Burns, Joe Thornton, and the entire U.S. Women's National Hockey Team—who play on ice, which is cold, and cold does funny things to all sorts of body stuff. So really what we're trying to say is...


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