Rockin' in the Free World

A totally scientific analysis of Kid Rock’s Senate campaign site

July 13, 2017

Happy Thursday, America! Music’s resident trailer park Springsteen, Kid Rock, officially announced his campaign for U.S. Senate last night, which leaves us with a whole lot of fun mortal concerns—why, how, do you really think having kids right now is such a good idea?—to unpack. But first, a musical interlude!

Hoo boy, take your harmonica and shove it, Tim Kaine. That’s a REAL campaign anthem!

But I know what you’re thinking, conscientious citizen who recently elected a reality TV show host to lead us into a brave new season of Celebrity Rehab world: What are Senator Rock’s platforms and values? Where does his experience lie and fields of expertise reside? The answers, as it turns out, can be found at kidrockforsenate.com, which sheds some wholesome coal-powered light on the Michigan man’s upcoming campaign. So grab that bottle of Beam, a shotgun for blowing off your own foot, and hop in the back. We’re headed that way and would be happy to give you a lift.

The All-American Splash:

Kid Rock is a man of few (intelligible) words, so it makes sense that he would lead with the local pool dickhead’s cannonball of splash images, replete with gold walls, fake baseball trophies, a dead animal, and a curtain that was apparently manufactured in Detroit (because everyone knows Detroit curtains are the best curtains). If this doesn’t scream “American everyman” to you, what kind of shitty mansion are you living in?

Also note the fedora and tinted aviators, an obvious nod to Kid Rock’s platform that the only way to fully recover from 2008’s economic collapse is to reset the calendar to 2005 and never leave.

The Campaign Logo:

Once that taxidermied visage melts the retinas from your face like a bad guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark, turn your attention to the site's top left corner, where you will find the campaign logo glowing like a warm hearth in the eye of America’s intensifying snowflake storm. It’s a little strange Kid Rock doesn’t list his opening acts—err, chief strategist—but I guess it is his tour—sorry, CAMPAIGN—after all. Jesus Christ, is this earth?

The Campaign Slogan:

A quick scroll brings the tired, huddled masses to Mr. Rock’s uplifting campaign slogan—“Are You Scared?”—which promises a platform of positivity, inclusivity, and open borders. Also, since you asked, yep. F—king terrified actually.

Oh Look, More Slogans:

“In Rock We Trust”, “Party to the People”, “Welcome to the Party”, “I’ll Rock the Party”, “Pimp of the Nation”, and plenty more. Listen, when you have this much great shit kicking around your iPhone notes, you can’t NOT use it, amirite?

The Presidential Merch:

AKA the most important part of any massive political campaign that could potentially land you a major position of power in the greatest democracy human civilization has ever seen. There’s a trucker hat, a t-shirt, a yard sign, and a bumper sticker—essentially all the components of a white trash starter kit minus the Natty Ice 30 rack and Rottweiler. More than just a new fall look, however, Kid Rock’s Make America Rock Again collection is also a clear indicator of intent. As we all know, lacking a cool hat to plaster all over Twitter is tantamount to political suicide, and with that major hurdle cleared, don’t be surprised to see The Kid make a White House run in 2020.


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