Tom Jones is the best damned stage performer of all time. I only wish he would have sung more ballads.
I don't mind signing autographs. But I won't sign skin, gum wrappers, towels or napkins.
I claimed to have quit smoking many years ago, when in fact I'd still sneak one now and again. Then, in 1995, my daughter Olivia, who was 6 at the time, caught me lighting up. "Why are you smoking, Daddy? That's bad for you." I thought she was gonna cry. That was my last smoke. Some people use the patch; I used my own guilt.
There are people who think Bill Murray is hilarious. Frankly, I don't get it. His movies are OK, but as a comedian, give me Alan King any day.
I think they should change the rules so you can lift, clean and place your ball, but only in your own fairway. Who hasn't found their ball in a divot in the middle of a fairway and thought the same thing?
I can look a guy in the eye and tell how tough he is, whether he's a fighter or not. You know who's a fighter? Our president, George Bush. He is one tough cookie who will lock horns with you in a second. He likes a good fight, and right now I'm glad he's in charge.
My advice to architects: Before you build a course with deep bunkers, railroad ties, forced carries and water everywhere, just remember that no Donald Ross course has ever gone Chapter 11.
Unless you're in prison, you have to agree that life in America is better than it's ever been.
If I were a judge, I'd send every gang member into the Marine Corps for two years. I guarantee most of them will come out ready to contribute to society.
I can't work a computer. I'm afraid I'd like it too much. My day is crammed full as it is.
Sure, I believe in ghosts. I know there are ghosts at St. Andrews. When you walk across the Swilcan Bridge you can almost see them, they're so close. The Morrises, the Auchterlonies, I'm certain they're all flying around out there.
Practicing all the time helps my confidence more than it does my swing. Knowing you've paid a price gives you a big advantage.
It's hard for me to visit sick kids in hospitals. I don't do it anymore, because it tears me up too much. But I do other things. After I made a hole-in-one worth $1 million last year, I gave $500,000 of it to St. Jude Children's Hospital.
I've met a lot of celebrities, but I've never been so awed by another person that I couldn't be myself. That would change if I got to meet the Pope.
I have a confession to make. In 1984 I was using one of the those early metal drivers I'm pretty sure was nonconforming. Other guys used them, but the drivers didn't work for them, because they kept caving in the faces. Not me. I didn't hit the ball hard enough to hurt the clubface. And I did get a little extra distance with it.
It's no secret I can be very snappish with people. I always end up regretting it. Last year in Utah, a little boy asked me to sign his golf ball and I told him no. I couldn't eat dinner that night and slept for about an hour. The next morning, a security guard helped me find the boy. I gave him a signed ball, a glove and a hat. The kid was ecstatic, his dad thanked me, and as I walked away I swore I'd try to be nicer to people. And I am getting better at it.
I felt a fly land on my chin. When I went to brush it off there was no fly. It was drool. You know you're close to retirement when you can't swallow your own saliva.
Golf programs for inner-city kids don't work. After they bus the kids out of the ghetto and let them hit balls for a few hours, they bus them right back to the ghetto. I've thought about this for 30 years and still don't know the answer. I'm not sure there is one.
If I don't come back as an eagle, I'm coming back as a traffic cop. And I'm giving a ticket to every jackass on a motorcycle who passes cars between lanes.
I know people in Dallas. Trust me, Oswald didn't act alone.
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