The Year in Golf

By Marty Hackel
Illustrations By John Ueland January 2008

WHO SAYS GOLFERS AREN'T ATHLETES?
Mark Calcavecchia, who earlier in the year hurt his back throwing his hat to the ground, comparing himself to Tiger Woods: "He could run from here to downtown. I couldn't run out of a burning house."

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS ON DINNER AT THE GLOVERS'
Lucas Glover, on being in contention at the British Open: "This is the icing on the gravy."

JOHN DALY, ROLE MODEL
John Daly, addressing fans at a clinic: "I know I look buff, but you'll never see me in a gym. They don't let me bring my beer and my smokes."

PHIL FINDS A WAY TO BEAT TIGER AT SOMETHING ELSE
News report: Phil Mickelson takes a group of caddies and their families to dinner after a round of the Players, picking up the check for $5,400 and adding a $2,000 tip.

SOME GUYS ONLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OVERSLEEPING
During the Stanford St. Jude Championship, John Daly says his fourth wife, Sherrie, tried to stab him with a steak knife while he was sleeping.

FOUR MONTHS LATER, SERGIO COUGHS UP A MAJOR AT CARNOUSTIE
Sergio Garcia spits into the cup after three-putting at Doral.

WHO KNEW HARRY CONNICK JR. HAS STAGE FRIGHT?
Jazz crooner Harry Connick Jr., on keeping other people from watching him play golf: "I don't care how much it costs . . . I'll book five tee times before me and five after me."

AND, ODDLY ENOUGH, RAP LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE SORTS OF THINGS YOU CAN JUST DO
Rapper 50 Cent: "I was actually at a charity golf event, and golf looked like one of those sorts of things you can just do. I was there for about an hour before I could move the ball."

YOU CALL IT MENIAL LABOR; I CALL IT A GOLD MINE
Tiger Woods' caddie, Steve Williams, donates almost $1 million to a children's hospital in New Zealand.

OH, THE IRONY
Announcer Ian Baker-Finch, who once achieved the near-impossible by hitting a tee shot O.B. left on the first hole of the Old Course, is beaned by a wild shot at Westchester.

ON THE BITTER SCALE, THIS IS AN 11
Longtime tour pro/teacher Mac O'Grady, in The Detroit News: "When Nicklaus and Palmer played, when Hogan played and Sam Snead played, on a scale of zero to 10, they were a 9-plus. Tiger Woods is not even a 1-plus."

MAN ATTACKS SHARK
Former Olympic skier Andy Mill, after his marriage with Chris Evert broke up and she began seeing Greg Norman: "Greg Norman at one time was my best friend, and a year and a half ago I would have taken a bullet for this guy. But I didn't realize he was the one who was going to pull the trigger."

THE THING IS, HE'D BEEN WEARING HIS GOOD-LUCK PAIR SINCE THE '95 OPEN
Caddie Eric Schwarz, when asked if Corey Pavin had changed anything before the start of the 2007 season: "Just his underwear."

FAILED STORY PITCH: JOHN DALY HITTING FLOP SHOTS IN FISHNETS
Photographs of boxing champion Oscar De La Hoya purportedly wearing fishnet stockings appear on the Internet shortly after he announces his purchase of The Ring magazine by saying, "We want to make it a sexier magazine, a magazine you want to pick up. I read Golf Digest and look at that as the perfect blueprint. It gives you all the information on golf. They have golf superstars doing columns. . . . I think, Why can't The Ring be like that?"

EVEN MICHAEL VICK WAS OFFENDED
Golf Channel analyst Dottie Pepper, unaware that her microphone was still on after a break to commercial, refers to U.S. Solheim Cup players as "chokin' freakin' dogs."

SEPARATED BY A COMMON LANGUAGE
Richie Ramsay, the 2006 U.S. Amateur champion, gets an invitation to play at Bay Hill and travels to Orlando from Scotland but doesn't get to play because he didn't realize he had to enter.

LET'S SEE, THAT'S NINE PARS, SIX BOGEYS, TWO DOUBLES . . . AND ONE STATE BIRD
During a Champions Tour pro-am in West Des Moines, Iowa, a shot by actor Rob Lowe kills a goldfinch, the state bird.

THIS JUST IN: DONALD TRUMP HIRES ROB LOWE
Donald Trump's plan for a major golf development in Scotland faces environmental questions because the coastline is home to some of the country's rarest birds.

FEDEX FEVER: CATCH IT!
1 / Rich Beem, when asked if kids will want to win the FedEx Cup as much as the Masters or U.S. Open: "I sure hope not."
2 / Boo Weekley: "I don't know nothin' about the FedEx Cup. I never was good at math."
3 / Geoff Ogilvy, deadpanning after being told that he earned 2,835 FedEx Cup points despite losing the final of the World Match Play: "That's exciting."
4 / Fred Couples: "I figure if I'm 40th on the money list or 80th on the money list or 144th on the money list, I get to play in the first FedEx Cup. Whoop-di-doo."

WHAT DID THEY LURE MONTY WITH, CUSTARD-CREAM PIE?
Nick Faldo, captain of the Great Britain & Ireland team at the Seve Trophy matches, criticizing one of his players, Colin Montgomerie: "He came to only two of the five team meetings, so that was disappointing. Then he had to be teased out to the 18th green to support his team."

IF THIS GETS BACK TO JOHN DALY . . .
Nationwide Tour player Roland Thatcher wears a logo for a brewing company on his shirt and is paid in beer.

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, BRING ME A BURGER
Colin Montgomerie, to the scoreboard carrier when he was 4 down on the 11th hole in a 6-and-5 loss to Ernie Els in the HSBC World Match Play Championship: "I know what the score is, so you can put that down."