Sometimes I get so mad at myself it's close to the assassination level. Then I get in the car and think, Why ruin other people's golf with your rotten, disgraceful attitude? Jack Nicholson

You guys are sticklers for the rules. Besides correcting us when we get rules questions wrong, you often object to rules-violators whom we cover. Latest example: Jack Nicholson, who espoused these rules of play:

1. No double bogeys on the first six holes.

2. I don't gamble. But if we must gamble, I only collect, I don't pay.

3. Under pressure, I'll cheat ya.

4. Any green in regulation, the second putt is called goo-oo-ood.

Anthony Abilo of Madison, N.J., can't abide our publicizing Jack's rules.

Your magazine should not be in the business of glorifying golfers who cheat when calculating their handicaps. According to the article, Nicholson has a 12.5?I am a struggling 27 handicap who always plays by the rules and would never think of doing anything dishonest on the golf course. It is an insult to the integrity of the game that Jack can boast a 12.5 handicap given his set of ?rules?.

Anthony, in my experience there are two types of handicap manipulators: those who try to keep their handicaps low and those who try to keep them high. Beware of both; the first as a partner, the second as an opponent. But in Jack's case, I think he's just trying to keep his blood pressure low. Though his rules don't work for me or you, being the upstanding rules citizens that we are, at least he's having fun. I suspect the Lakeside buddies who compete against him adjust for his "rules."

--Bob Carney

(Photo: Nigel Parry)

Rocky C. of Pueblo, Colorado, got a kick out of November's Golf Guru advice about dealing with the self-anointed teaching pro, one of the most irritating subspecies known to golf. He wrote to tell us and send along a little advice of his own:

For the "guy who gives unsolicited golf tips" why not just tell him the other members of the group don't appreciate his comments and the next time you play, sit back and watch the paranoia!!!

For the guy with the white saddle shoes: soap, warm water, a towel and, for the unshineable scuffs, use white-out from your nearest stationary store. It works! Finish them with an oil sponge for a shine and water-proofing .

To clean the spikes/cleats, use a kitchen scrub brush (Wal-Mart, 97cents).

"Irritating sub-species"--that's great. I'll be using that!

--Bob Carney

(Illustration by Chris Gash)

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. Dave Barry

Our Awkward Moments story in June—we had twelve of them— brought up one for reader Doug Nelson, but wound up being a pretty sweet memory.

About 15 years ago, my buddy Mark and I skipped work to play at a local course that caters mainly to the blue collar guy and for years displayed a sign near the first tee that read: SHIRTS REQUIRED ON FIRST TEE. On this particular day, the course was slammed and there might have been a dozen golfers mulling around as I teed off on number one. Not being used to an audience, I over gunned my driver which resulted in a low, left screamer that ricocheted off the "shirts required" signpost and did a 90 into the clubhouse sliding glass door which exploded and somehow tossed my ball back into the fairway, 50 yards in front of the tee box. There was a monent of stunned silence and I turned to Mark and said rather sheepishly," you're up." He calmly ripped one about 240 down the middle and without another word, we hopped in the cart and drove off.

          By the time we reached my ball, the shaken but amiable owner's son had emerged from the clubhouse and I immediately apologized and offered to cover the glass damage. "Don't worry about it" he said laughingly," but you sure scared the hell out of me!" With that, we continued on, though I really don't remember much about the rest of the round... Several years later, my buddy Mark, who recently passed, aced the 11th at the same course, and turned to me and said with an unforgettable smile, "you're up!" Needless to say, these very real moments on the golf course take on  special qualities with the passing of my friend. So long, buddy, we miss you.
                                                                                                             

Thanks, Doug.

—Bob Carney