What's So Funny?
Continued (page 3 of 3)
But it's OK for us to do that?
We're allowed to. To them, it's a sport. To us, it's life itself.
Obviously, you watch golf on television.
I watch too much. It's cheaper than Ambien. But it's also one of the ways you learn. And some of these kids are wild. Some of them seem to really enjoy the game.
Is there anyone you'd like to play golf with?
Scarlett Johansson. She could just drive the cart, and I'd be happy. And if I could get a larger cart, Mary-Louise Parker, too. That would be perfect. At my age, any two women could hold me up when I'm putting.
Do you play in charity events?
This is my 16th year with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. When Rosie O'Donnell's manager called 16 years ago to say the CF Foundation was having a three-day tournament at Pinehurst, I said, "I'm in." He told me I'd have to perform, and I said, "I don't care what they want, I'm in." Then he says, "So you know, there's no money in it." To which I said, "I'd pay them for three days at Pinehurst." I've become like their mascot. We've played Sawgrass, Pelican Hill, Pinehurst No. 2. You want to play Pinehurst No. 2? Go in the basement, get a table of any kind, try to hit the ball off the floor onto the table, and if you can get it to stick on the table, you can play Pinehurst.
Are golfers athletes?
Real golfers? Yes. People like me? No. But don't get me wrong, my joy is seeing someone near my body type play the game. Craig Stadler or Kenny Perry. Or Angel Cabrera, who used to smoke. A lot of guys, one of the reasons they play is so they can smoke cigars and no one will bother them.
What do you wear when you play?
I wear a large codpiece. It helps focus my eyes down on the ball. No, I don't go crazy. I wear shorts, khaki or dark blue. I'm thrilled there are people spending $300 on a golf shirt, but for $300, a shirt should do something that makes you not sweat.
Does golf make too big a deal about being quiet?
Quiet doesn't help me. It doesn't even help me when I'm putting. What quiet does is allow the voices in my head to take a stranglehold on me and destroy my swing. I try to think, There's water on the left, but I'm not going to worry about it, but in the silence my brain goes, But that's where you're going to hit it because you always hit it there. In the silence, if there's a problem on the right, I know that my shot will make a beeline to the right side of the fairway, and if there's a problem on the left, I will hit a spectacular hook.
Should galleries be quiet for the pros?
There should be another league where people get to yell and scream. It'd be fun to take a bit of the stuffiness out of the pro game. It's like that depressing ad for The First Tee. The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me golf helps you find yourself. I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.