By Dan Jenkins
Illustration By Michael Criley April 2008

Welcome to "The Frank Lickliter TV Show." I, of course, am Frank Lickliter--most of you recognize me, I'm sure--and I'll be with you every week at this time to tell you what's going on with me in particular and maybe some other things in golf you might be interested in, although you won't find anything more interesting than me.

If there are any stupid viewers out there who don't know me so good, I'm the guy who shot 62-62 in the first two rounds of Q school in December and led it all the way.

You should've heard about it. If you didn't, it was either because you're an idiot or the press didn't make it out to be as big a deal as it was. Or is. Take your pick. What am I, an English teacher?

Maybe my 62-62 wasn't quite Neil Armstrong on the moon, but it was up there. Maybe it wasn't, "Don't ask what your country can do for you," but it was in the ballpark. Maybe it wasn't the Gettysburg Address, but that's not my address anyhow. I come from Middletown, Ohio, like some other people did who aren't as important as me, but I live in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., now, which is headquarters for me and the PGA Tour.

I'll tell you this: My two 62s would be the lowest 36-hole score in tour history if Q school had been an official event. It's unofficial, but nobody's ever done it before, which ought to count for twice more than something else. I personally think it's the two best rounds of golf anybody ever played, living or dead.

Some of you know I took a little heat for not talking to the press until Q school was over and I'd won it, but Ben Hogan never talked to the press, and there's people who idolize him.

If the press wants to talk to me about winning the 2001 Kemper and the 2003 Tucson, the things that put me on the map, or winning Q school the way I did, that'll be fine with me as long as I don't have a golf club in my hands like Ben Hogan did.

What Franklin Ray Lickliter II does is entertaining enough when he's in a golf tournament, and besides, it's what Franklin Ray Lickliter II does for a living. The last thing I need are distractions, whether it's a broken arm, a bogey or a question from the press about my personal life.

Now, I'm gonna have a famous guest on here every week. Some of them will be almost as famous as me. I got one coming up in a minute, as a matter of fact. You'll know him if you follow the tour. He's one of the household names, like me.

One of my future guests will be Chris DiMarco. He plans to come on and talk about how unfair it is not to be compared with Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus even though he's won three times in 17 years.

OK, here he is, folks: Woody Austin. A great player and a great personality. Have a seat, Woody, and let's get right to it. Tell the audience about the day last summer at Southern Hills in Tulsa when you brought Tiger Woods to his knees.

"Well, Frank, everybody who was in the gallery that day knows my 70 was so much better than his 63 it wasn't even funny. I outplayed him at least five shots. I had it inside of him all day long. So if I have his round, and I play the way I did, there's no telling what I shoot. Somewhere in the low 50s, probably."

Good having you with me today, Woody. And, fans, we'll be right back after this word about Wanda's Donuts and Egg Rolls right here on 9A next door to Al's Bait and Auto Parts.