Padraig in the Clutch

Tiger Woods claimed he wasn't going to watch the year's last major on TV, the PGA Championship at Oakland Hills, but of course he did, and I have the evidence on tape to prove it. I was able to have his home bugged while he was off rehabilitating his bum knee by wrapping the microphone tightly in bearer bonds and stock certificates.

The voices are a little unclear at times because of continuous thumping sounds--the result of a private jet belonging to His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum of Dubai dropping bags of money on Tiger's roof.

Woods rather enjoyed watching the play at Oakland Hills the first two rounds. That was when the Rees Jones-toughened layout--7,395 yards, narrowed fairways, grabbing rough and big, puzzling greens--caused so much suffering. The pros are used to sissy courses on the PGA Tour, but Oakland Hills, outside Detroit, asked them to think and hit golf shots.

They whined and moaned, and Paul Goydos spoke for them when he resurrected an old joke: "If you had Rees Jones re-do Scrabble, he'd leave out all the vowels." It was remindful of what Ben Hogan said to Mrs. Robert Trent Jones after Hogan brought the monster to its knees in 1951. (Oakland Hills, a Donald Ross design, was also remodeled by Rees' father, Robert Trent Jones, before the 1951 U.S. Open.)

Ben said, "If your husband had to play this golf course for a living, he would be standing in the bread line."

Tiger watched most of the contestants wind up in jail on the course, just as the mayor of Detroit was in real life.

One of the first-day leaders was a Swede, Robert Karlsson, who said, "I'm so tall [6-feet-5] it's all up to what my arc wants to do." The other was Jeev Milkha Singh, whose name provided a typing test for everybody in the press center. Karlsson and Singh managed 68s.

There seemed to be others in the room with Tiger. Unidentifiable voices. Presumably trainers, medics, friends.

Tiger was heard to say on Thursday, "Karly's going good."

Voice: "Who?"

Tiger: "Karlsson. The Swede who got to walk inside the ropes with me at Torrey on Saturday. Had a great view of my two eagles and chip-in birdie on the final six holes. He was top 10 in the first three majors this year. Could win the combined with me out of it, but he won't win the PGA. Swedes can't close."

On his cell Tiger put in a call to his friend Doug Ferguson, the AP golf writer, to get some inside scoop.

Tiger: "Dougie, my man. Talk to me."

Doug: "Mickelson started off bad. He bogeyed the first two holes."

Tiger: "So I hear."

Doug: "You didn't watch Phil?"

Tiger: "Seen it."

Friday was the day Karlsson's arc took him to a 77, and Jeev's 74 made the correct spelling of his name less important. Meanwhile, the day was taken over by J.B. Holmes, the scandalously slow-playing 26-year-old Kentuckian--5-feet-11, muscular, goatee--who shot a 68 to lead at one under. One way he did it was to play the 542-yard second with a 400-yard drive, a 142-yard wedge and a two-putt birdie.

Tiger said, "Holmesy can launch it."

Voice: "That's him on the screen, huh? He's wearing a funny cap--like all the others. Can't read the company name on it. Some of these players wear more logos than a NASCAR Chevy."

Tiger: "Good coin, man."

Before the dueling rainstorms prevented Holmesy, the leader, from ever teeing off on Saturday, the day belonged to the strong, young Andres Romero, who has been described by those familiar with golf in Argentina as the real Angel Cabrera.