By Dan Jenkins
Illustration By Sean McCabe December 2007

It's not part of my job description to review theatrical productions for this magazine, but I've been asked to do so by the editors in the case of Dottie Pepper's gripping drama, "Chokin' Freakin' Dogs," which opened off-Broadway recently at the Double Bogey Playhouse on West 34th Street.

First off, congratulations to Ms. Pepper, the author, for stepping into the lead role herself at the last moment when Britney Spears withdrew after being informed that she would have to wear clothes.

Ms. Pepper performed admirably, especially in the shouting scenes and in the final act when the character is asked to duck, squirm and contend with the produce that is hurled at her by minor characters.

It's never a good sign, of course, when the audience begins to talk back to the actors on stage. This occurred early on opening night when several in the audience stood and complained audibly that they had been misled by the title of Ms. Pepper's drama.

As one gentleman yelled, "I'm out of here! I paid to see a play about the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, and you give me this stuff!"

Since then, I understand, to eliminate confusion, the producers have posted a large sign outside the theater advising potential ticket buyers that the show is ostensibly about "human dogs."

The audience soon learns that these "human dogs" are, in fact, unseen professional golfers toiling at their craft while they are being discussed by various celebrity TV commentators who are taking a break and unaware that their microphones are still open.

The set designer deserves special praise. He has arranged the broadcast booths in such a way that Ms. Pepper of the Golf Channel and NBC is in the forefront, and off to the side is NBC's Johnny Miller. Mr. Miller is more than adequately portrayed by an obscure actor who looks and acts very much like Martin Landau playing Bela Lugosi playing Count Dracula playing Johnny Miller.

One of the high points of the production is the venomous exchange between the announcers Dottie Pepper and Johnny Miller. It occurs midway through the second act when they rise and holler at each other across the stage and in front of the backdrop of the eighth at Mission Hills.

Mr. Miller: "I called them chokin' freakin' dogs long before you ever thought of it!"

Ms. Pepper: "No, you didn't! You like to call them whining, whimpering snots! I've heard you. Chokin' freakin' dogs is mine, and it's going to stay mine!"

Mr. Miller: "Actually, I prefer lazy, simpering slugs, if you want to be accurate, but I'm never talking about Tiger Woods."

This remark paves the way for a character from CBS named Peter Costus or Lostus -- something like that -- to command the stage. Believing the commercial is over and he is live and on camera, we hear him say:

"Yes, Tiger Woods is leading by 32 strokes, but that doesn't take anything away from these 150 great players who are chasing him. I feel sure one of them will make a serious run at Tiger on the back nine -- provided he can relax his upper body at the address, doesn't rotate his hips too quickly and can keep his left arm connected to his chest."

It might well have been over the head of the audience, as it was of this reviewer's, when the character of presidential historian Jim Nantz speaks mostly in numbers during a chat with a visitor in his booth.

Nantz is heard to say: "I don't know 43 as well as I know 41, but 43 and 41 both play golf, and I have played golf with both 43 and 41, usually with 41, and I must say..."

But the rest is lost when the wrestling match suddenly takes place in a CBS booth between the characters of David Feherty and Gary McCord, who play themselves. Their fight is over Mr. McCord's joke book.

Mr. Feherty wins the fight, tucks the joke book away, and shouts, "I've got it, you silly goat! Now try to say something funny!"

Attention is then drawn to an announcer booth where the character of Peter Alliss of the BBC, effortlessly played by the British character actor Willing Sloan-Willing, is sipping wine, nibbling on cheeses of the world and calmly saying of a contestant leaving a sand shot in the bunker, "Not what he had in mind, I shouldn't imagine."