Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

By Dan Jenkins

Photo By Rusty Jarrett

December 2002

Wallace of Sterling, Robert the Bruce, Torrance of The Belfry.

Absolutely, by all means, put the weep-at-a-blink Sam up there with those other Scottish heroes now, although wait a second — where is J&B of Last Night on the list? Little joke there.

And doesn't it make sense now to certify the undefeated Colin Montgomerie, Europe's coach on the field, as the new Seve? Answer: yes. So know him now as Monty of Sutton Coldfield, just as you know Nelson of Trafalgar, Wellington of Waterloo, Vivien of Leigh, all that.

Of course, for this offering on what was undoubtedly one of the great sports upsets of all time, the one in September that begs to be known as Sam Torrance and the 34th Ryder Cup, the overwhelmingly favored poor little rich kids of the USA are going to be discussed.

Our nonchalant favorites, I mean. Our team had Tiger Woods and six other guys who've won major championships. They had just one — 45-year-old Bernhard Langer. Our household names over their worst team since 1979, a gathering of bottom-half nobodies that only Torrance believed in. Turns out we had Tiger of Invisible, Mickelson of Pushover, Curtis of Goat.

That crowd.

But something more interesting than a normal essay has been dropped into this bureau's lap.

It's a tape of the celebratory dinner at The Belfry to honor both teams on Sunday night, Sept. 29, after Europe had won, 15 ½-12 ½, in the best Ryder Cup in anyone's memory, an event that for three whole days was bursting with drama, thrills and suspense.

The tape begins with the Europeans obviously even more in the bag than they were when they swigged champagne and beer at their press conference. Let's listen in.

TORRANCE: I just want to interject that everyone is giving me too much credit. All I did was lead my team to the water, and they drank copiously.

CURTIS STRANGE: You said that on TV, Sam. You said copiously.

TORRANCE: Yes.

STRANGE: That's a word? Copiously?

TORRANCE: Not at Wake Forest, evidently. Sergio! Stop dancing on the table! You're spilling valuable drops.

SERGIO GARCIA: I am so happy! I want to jump in Lee Westwood's lap, as I did when he drove the 10th on Saturday. Make Tiger mad again.

TORRANCE: Tiger is not present. He wasn't feeling very well.

GARCIA: I wouldn't feel good, either, if my Ryder Cup record was 5-8-2 now! Sorry he couldn't make it. I wanted to ask him why he dressed like the opposing team today.

JESPER PARNEVIK: What about that, Curtis? Was your team colorblind? Their uniforms never completely matched, all three days.

STRANGE: Matched what?

GARCIA: I guess Tiger can think of six million reasons why his record this year is more important than the Ryder Cup.

TORRANCE: Sergio, please. No more somersaults. My hedge ... my head ... is going to hurt badly enough tomorrow.

GARCIA: I know why Tiger got tied by Jesper today. He looked at the draw and saw he didn't matter. What was the use? Hey! Thanks, Curtis, for putting Tiger last. We were up in seven matches before your No. 1 player even got on the course!

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: That was the dumbest thing I've ever seen. When I looked at it, I thought Torrance had made the draw for both teams. Then I found out our own bonehead captain did it.

STRANGE: Sam outguessed me, that's all. He front-loaded his lineup. I've never seen a lineup front-loaded like that.

HAL SUTTON: You don't remember Brookline in '99?

STRANGE: I remember Brookline in '88. I won the Open there.

DAVID DUVAL: Crenshaw won the cup at Brookline in '99 because he front-loaded his lineup for the singles.

STRANGE: The Ryder Cup was at Brookline?

GARCIA: Yo, Curtis! Wake Forest captains are now 0 for 2 against Europe in Ryder Cups. You this year, Lanny in '95. Pretty funny, huh? No?

PAUL MCGINLEY: Who's paying for this, anyway? Let's putt for it.

PHILLIP PRICE: How about Mickelson and me from 18 inches? Anyone seen Phil?

TORRANCE: Let's hear it for Price and McGinley! Wales and Ireland! I asked them to do it for me, and they did it!

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: Man, there's always an Irish nobody in these deals. If it's not an Eamonn Darcy in '87, it's a Christy O'Connor in '89. If it's not a Phillip Walton in '95, it's that clown McGinley here.

MONTGOMERIE: Quite so. Our team is a unique mixture. Here we are under a curious blue flag with gold stars. Most Americans don't know it's the flag of the European Community and that such countries as Norway and Switzerland are not in it. If a Norwegian or a Swiss ever makes our team, what happens to the flag? Who knows? I'll leave that for others. I must say, incidentally, that in my lifetime I've known Frenchmen, Germans, Italians, Spaniards, Danes, Swedes, and so on, but I've never known a European.

TORRANCE: Nor have I! But so what? We've got the coop ... cup!

MONTGOMERIE: Watch it, Sam ...

DARREN CLARKE: It's OK, I've caught him.