Tiger And The Marx Brothers Masters

After starting the final round tied for the lead, Woods holed a chip at the sixth hole for a birdie, and no one got closer than three strokes the rest of the way.

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By Dan Jenkins

Photo By Ed Acuna

June 2002

It's terrifying to think what pro golf would be like today without Tiger. Right, just Tiger, no Woods, as in Elvis, Ike, Ali, Dillinger, or some other guy whose fame sawed off part of his name, left it in the dust.

Can't anyone else play this game?

That's the question Tiger left to be answered after this year's Masters. He started winning this third one -- his 10th major -- with a third-round 66, which was what sent the following message into the minds of all his so-called challengers, his fellow-competitors:

"Tiger is in the building."

What pro golf would look like without Tiger, in fact, might be what it looked like on Sunday, April 14, at Augusta: A Demolition Derby interrupting the Westminster dog show. Which is what the mud smelled like after all the rain.

Tied for the 54-hole lead with Retief Goosen, the current U.S. Open champion, Tiger went out in the last round to do battle with a gang of the game's most celebrated players, and the world eagerly waited for the drama that usually unfolds when the event trips over the cliché that I, myself, once created:

The Masters always starts on the back nine Sunday.

Well, it was a little different this time. Tiger didn't have to do battle with any other players. While he battled the golf course, getting up and down and around in 71 for his winning total of 276, the Three Stooges were out there battling the Marx Brothers to see who could provide the funniest Masters moment of 2002.

It's hard to pin down the most amusing thing, but it has something to do with Tiger's name suddenly going up on the leader board. Like Jack Nicklaus before him, and Ben Hogan before Jack, Tiger's name up there in a major seems to make all of the others slump over and utter, "Uh-oh, here he comes again. I'm dead."

The most amusing thing could have been the look of frozen fear on Retief Goosen's face most of the way around. He normally looks pleasant. The leading man's best friend. The co-pilot in the B-17. Retief, by the way, is a reasonably common first name in South Africa -- as it is in Arkansas, of course, but everyone there is trying to spell Ralph.

Anyhow, on Masters Sunday, Retief's face and body language told you that he only wanted to get out of Tiger's way. "I pulled everything long left," he said later. "I was always putting from 40 feet. ... I deflated myself".

Goosen deflated it around in two-over 74 and still finished second. That's how funny it was.

The majorless Phil Mickelson birdied the first two holes, and there were those who shouted, "Here comes Phil!" He quickly Mickelsoned the next two holes, as in bogeyed, and there were those who moaned, "There goes Phil. Again."

Phil announced that even though he finished third and was still majorless, he had "a very fun and enjoyable week." He even said that during the week he went to a "wonderful" movie -- "The Rookie" is what it was -- and it made him feel "very fortunate" to have just been on the leader board Sunday, simply part of it all.

Some might even say that Phil's taste in films needs work.

Actually, Ernie Els and Vijay Singh, a couple of heroes with majors to their credit, were expected to strap more heat on Tiger than anybody else. Els with two U.S. Opens in his pocket, Vijay a Masters and a PGA. Vijay was only two back starting the final round, Ernie only four. Surely one of them would make a run at Tiger, maybe get a bridge named after himself.

So what happens? They slug it out for the biggest laugh on the back nine.

First it was Els. Still only three back of Tiger through 12 holes, he turned the easy 13th into meatloaf.

Pull-hooked his drive left of the creek. No chance to reach the par 5 in two. The smart play was to pitch out into the fairway the easiest, shortest, clearest way possible. But no. Ernie tried to run a shot through a tiny spot into which you might possibly be able to insert Calista Flockhart. Naturally the ball struck foliage and darted into the creek.