Curing What Ails You

Subject: The amazing, incredible golf pill. Trade name: Par-Ex. Not a steroid, not a human growth hormone. Totally legal. Soon to be approved by the Federal Drug Administration, pending results of a final round of clinical tests. Pill should be available to the general public in the coming year.

Benefits: One pill per day, taken after the morning meal, increases distance on drives an average of 130 yards. Increase for irons and fairway woods is proportional. (Results may vary.) Eliminates slices, hooks, shanks, knockdowns. Imparts a proper touch for chips, pitches and putts, both long and short. Removes fear from trouble shots including -- especially including -- bunker shots. Makes lofted shots bite, yet creates a long roll for shots at a low trajectory. Guaranteed to make any round of golf more efficient, pleasurable and rewarding.

Possible side effects: Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting. Impaired vision. Decreased memory. Bunions, goiters, psoriasis. Acne. Shingles. Bad breath. Gout. Post-nasal drip. Ringing noise in the ears.

Impotence. Blood clots. Suicidal tendencies.

Some subjects report the appearance of sores shaped like states from the U.S. map. Pennsylvania, Louisiana and Tennessee seem to lead the list. Some subjects report the appearance of sores shaped like Walt Disney cartoon characters. Some subjects report that their buttocks turn blue.

Persistent cough. Toothaches. Flatulence.

Dizziness may occur while trying to do simple mathematics. The big toe of the right foot may swell to three or four times its normal size. The prostate gland may grow to the approximate size of a bowling ball. (Ten pins.) Women may notice severe changes in their menstrual cycles. Children of both sexes may develop facial hair as early as age 3. The taste of water may become repugnant.

Dandruff. Chest pains. Warts.

May cause strange fascination with fire. (Subjects are urged to check homeowner's policy before beginning treatment.) May increase the urge "to vent." May cause certain airport security devices to react unexpectedly.

Sleeplessness. Incontinence. Back pain.

Should not be taken within 12 hours of eating corn flakes, fresh fruit or red meat. Or within six hours of drinking chocolate milk or certain domestic wines. Subjects should not operate wood chippers, snow blowers or helicopters directly after taking pill. Heights and farm animals should be avoided.

Gallstones. Kidney stones.

Doctor should be consulted if subject takes other medications including aspirin and daily multi-vitamins since drug interaction can cause dementia, weight gain, erectile dysfunction and loss of the ability to whistle. Subjects also should monitor intake of caffeine, nicotine and cheese. Should stop taking product if they become "edgy" or if skin turns yellow. Hair loss may be masked by use of a hat.

Nearsightedness. Farsightedness. Tremors of all extremities.

In rare cases, the liver, lungs, kidneys, heart and pancreas may shut down. Death often follows.

Sales potential: Manufacturers predict Par-Ex will become the best-selling drug in The History of Mankind. Early projections estimate 96 percent of all golfers in the world, regardless of handicap, will take this pill daily within three years of its appearance on the market. Negotiations to hire John Daly as a celebrity spokesperson have begun.