The Angry Golfer
Fun times in the U.K.? They can't even make frappuccinos
The downside of being an Ugly American in Scotland? You spend a lot of time alone.
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CARNOUSTIE, Scotland -- The purists may perceive it as a pilgrimage, but to a U.S. golf writer with 193,500 Marriott points, the British Open is your basic midsummer camping trip-turned-Chevy Chase movie.
Among the traditions you probably haven't heard about: bipolar internet access, a cramped media center with climate control by Satan and coffee that tastes like it was brewed from cigar ashes. Excuse me, but I came here to work, not audition to become a contestant in a reality show.
There is, of course, a lot to like about the United Kingdom, but have you ever slept in a king-sized bed or eaten a decent sandwich in these parts? This year's journey featured my latest rendition of Ugly Americanism -- after waiting in line for 25 minutes at a Starbucks at Gatwick Airport, practically panting for one of those frappuccinos we crank out so effortlessly back home, I was told they had no ice. I asked the young lady if they'd lost the recipe, but she failed to note the depth of my humor.
In recent years, submissive Yanks have begun to refer to the British Open as "The Open Championship," heeling to the hint of haughtiness this major title so richly deserves. Over here, you don't make fun of someone's teeth, and you don't call it the "British Open." Like Cher, this tournament can drop part of its name and still retain its instant, one-of-kind identity, but don't think for a minute that the Royal & Ancient, which runs this show, never submits to its commercial impulses. These folks will spray-paint a logo on your grandmother's cane if it makes them a few bucks.
Maybe I'm just some rube from the wrong side of the pond -- another loud, overcooked Bush-leaguer who couldn't possibly appreciate the beauty of cultural differences. To that, I plead guilty. We've got the best country, partner. We won that match, 5 and 4.
Columns by The Angry Golfer -- a.k.a. Golf World columnist John Hawkins -- appear exclusively on GolfDigest.com. We're pretty sure he's angry about that, too.
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